50 Ways to Have the Best Day

By Summer Williamson

I’d say that times have been challenging recently, but they’ve been tough for the complete entirety of history. Nevertheless, with the current tense political climate, potential threat of global warming, and brain infesting parasites killing the deer and moose populations, we all need some help to perk up our days. Below is a compiled list of 50 patented methods I use to brighten my days and I implore you to give them a shot.

  1. Wake up with a splash of warm toilet bowl water to the face

  2. Stub your toe on pillow and shout “why hath my pillow stubbed me”

  3. Before even getting out of bed, the bed decides not to be a bed

  4. Shout at the old man stealing your flower pots in the early morning after feeding your cat

  5. Burn your eggs, all of them, and then smash the frying pan into the wall which gets smashed too

  6. Intentionally spill scalding hot coffee on your lap, or maybe it’s not actually coffee

  7. Drink spoiled milk, just the chunks

  8. Accidentally eat a lizard in your cereal because your cat is evil and put it there hoping that the lizard would eat you before you ate it

  9. Get diagnosed with a mysterious illness; maybe it’s from the milk?

  10. Wear plastic bags as shoes because the sound of squelching plastic fills everyone’s soul with joy

  11. Take a peaceful and calming walk on a beach of broken glass

  12. Cry crocodile tears on your scaly crocodile skin

  13. Attend your dog’s funeral, but don’t worry because all dogs go to heaven

  14. Legally disown yourself from yourself

  15. Break your phone, she isn’t going to call you, so what’s the point

  16. Make an order of a dozen warm donuts just to find that you actually got a box of old, moldy dough

  17. Wear wet laundry because ya’ mom broke your dryer

  18. Find barbeque in your socks; your mom trolled you again

  19. Get trapped in a seaweed face mask seeing as it’s trendy now anyways, so. . .

  20. Watch your uncle to make sure he doesn’t steal your toes; you always had a hunch Uncle Doug would try some day

  21. Have the holy spirit leave your prayers on read

  22. Get attacked by a polar bear in Florida; double points if it’s wearing a bikini

  23. Experience a shark attack in the safety of your own swimming pool

  24. Have a specialized poltergeist possess all your doorknobs so each time you touch one your hand gets burnt

  25. Buy a moldy banana from Kroger because Tyler didn’t get rid of the dirty bananas

  26. Witness the stock market crash all because Zion Williamson’s shoe exploded

  27. Get struck by lightning on a sunny day and speculate at the universe’s ironic sense of humor

  28. The War on Cows finally breaks out and you must join the fight

  29. Let ya long john’s flap falls open in public (the long john’s were the only dry laundry you had)

  30. Cut yourself while cutting a lemon or does the lemon cut you?

  31. Make your tea so hot it burns your tongue off, ow ow ow, I need a doctor

  32. Turn the sky into an ocean so that it rains stinky, stinky fish in your face

  33. Discover that you are actually a closeted caveman and embrace your identity as you grunt “ugha-ogha”

  34. Let a whale consume you while taking a dip in the ocean

  35. Have someone tell you that you smell like french fries and stale trees

  36. Watch earth implode before your very own eyes — I hear it is an enlightening sight

  37. Sneak a horse into a hospital and watch as manic chaos breaks loose

  38. Take your new kayak for a spin, have it break down, then discover that your kayak insurance policy doesn’t cover repairs

  39. Steal someone’s socks and live with the guilt of taking their feet gloves

  40. Eat yourself into the grave, but you can only eat expensive and aged cheese

  41. Remember that nobody wished you happy birthday, then remember that it’s not your birthday

  42. Have Jarald put nails in your bed and then exclaim “Jarald, why did you put nails in my bed?”

  43. Go to a really awful and boring book club meeting then burn all the books with words

  44. Look at old men with larger muscles than you and use that as motivation to go to the gym because you need to get moving while you’re still young or else time will steal your legs from you

  45. Get poisoned in the bowling alley since the nacho cheese is worth it

  46. Step on your cat, Murph’s, barf and do the yucky-nasty dance as you flip out

  47. Stop being a total sad-dog all the time, dog.

  48. Drive behind a stinky chicken truck and shout at stinky chicken truck driver that his chickens really stink up his truck

  49. Arrive at the threshold of your home before supper and breath in the sweet scent of Momma’s baked beans

  50. Realize love doesn’t exist